Double Impact! Presents ‘The Beastmaster’ (1982)

From the cinephiliac minds of Sailor Monsoon and Vincent Kane comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, break it down and analyze it, and then haphazardly try to attribute points and awards to individual scenes and/or actors. Through our convoluted thought process, neither one of us truly understands, we will definitively determine whether or not certain sacred cows are worthy of praise and alternatively if childhood favorites hold up or are better left in the past. The goal is to get you to rewatch old films you love, check out great stuff you haven’t and skip the overrated classics you’ve heard about but never got around to. This is a celebration of the stuff we love and a takedown of the shit we don’t. This is Double Impact!


Sailor’s Pick


The Plot


The film is about a child who is stolen from his mother’s womb by a witch. The child grows into Dar, who has the ability to communicate telepathically with animals. Dar grows up in a village, where he learns to do battle, but the village is destroyed by a race of beast-like warriors under the control of the sorcerer Maax. Dar vows revenge and travels with new friends to stop Maax from causing any more problems.


The Discussion


Sailor: Even though you’re a bit older than me, I’m assuming you saw this on TBS growing up?

Kane: Oh Yea. I remember the first time I saw it unedited. Boobies.

Sailor: No shit! And I do remember it being on HBO literally every single day.

Kane: More than anything, I think that’s this film’s legacy. Not the beast master’n or the boobs or Tanya Roberts, the fact that two different channels gained nicknames based solely on the fact that they played this non-stop.

Sailor: “Hey, Beastmaster’s on” and “The Beastmaster Station”.

Kane: TBS (or TNT, I don’t remember) used to play The Shawshank Redemption all the time and nobody changed the channels name to that. Just saying.

Sailor: Well, the letters don’t match up. Time Bfor Shawshank?

Kane: I said, just saying!

Sailor: I know before you even tell me that you rewatched this as many times as you did because of Tanya Roberts but what made you watch it in the first place? Were you a fan of fantasy films or sword and sorcery films?

Kane: I love sword and sorcery movies but honestly, I can’t remember the first time I saw this. This, believe it or not, is one of the first movies I remember seeing. So it’s very hard for me to separate my nostalgia from it.

Sailor: That’s not that crazy. What is crazy, is the fact that I haven’t seen it.

Kane: Wait, you’ve never seen this?

Sailor: Nope.

Kane: You just said you remember it being on HBO all the time.

Sailor: Yeah but I didn’t say I watched it.

Kane: How have you never seen this? This is right up your alley.

Sailor: I’ve seen bits and pieces over the years and even somehow saw some episodes of the show but never really bothered to sit down to watch it.

Kane: Did it live up to your non-existent expectations?

Sailor: The sword and sorcery sub-genre is kinda like the post-apocalyptic genre, one film set the template that all others copied. Mad Max created an entire genre and Conan inspired a wave of imitators. But thing is, none of their respected copies are anywhere near as good, so both are sub-genres made up of, at best, fun trash.

Sailor: So having said that, I’d put this in the top five even though I’d give it a D.

Kane: Oof.

Kane: Yeah, we’re on different pages on this one. I’d probably give this a B-

Sailor: That’s incorrect.

Kane: I told you, the nostalgia is strong.

Sailor: Name five good things about this movie.

Kane: Because I love it, Tonya Roberts boobs, the bird people, painted tiger, and Tonya Roberts Boobs.

Sailor: I know you can count. That’s three things and a declarative statement.

Kane: Obviously you can’t count because each of Roberts’ titties counts as one thing, and there’s another set of titties in this, so…

Sailor: You went straight to the titties and not the best thing about this film??

Kane: If you say Marc Singer’s abs…

Sailor: No

Kane: Rip Taylor’s teeth?

Sailor: It’s Rip Torn and no.

Kane: Damn autocorrect.

Sailor: God, I wish he was the villain in this now. Imagine after every child murder, he just flings confetti in the air.

Kane: I don’t want that movie.

Kane: You going to tell me or am I going to keep guessing? Or is it something dumb like the end credits or those stupid…

Sailor: THE FERRETS!

Kane: …. ferrets.

Kane: Sigh.

Sailor: They’re easily the best part of this movie.

Kane: Of course you’d pick varmints over boobies.

Sailor: Now, I will say those bird monster things are pretty spectacular. Total kinder trauma material.

Kane: Yeah. I didn’t scare easy as a kid. They scared the shit out of me as a kid.

Sailor: I don’t know why they’re in this but thank God they are.

Kane: What about Amos? He’s pretty great in this.

Sailor: For a cheesy ass fantasy flick, the acting was pretty decent across the board. No one was great per se but no one was offensively bad either.

Kane: You liked Singer in this?

Sailor: I’ve seen the Deathstalker films. I’ve seen Ator. He’s competent.

Sailor: The best performances in this might honestly be the animals themselves. The dog, in the beginning, is great, the ferrets are obviously great and the tiger didn’t kill everyone on set.

Kane: There’s also a bear and an eagle!

Sailor: The eagle barely flew.

Kane: It flew all the time. That’s how he was able to see shit.

Sailor: No, I mean literally, he barely flew. The crew had to drop his ass out of a plane or some shit and then the director would film him slowly glide to the Earth.

Kane: He ain’t wasting that good eagle energy on this.

Sailor: But you like this film!

Kane: Yeah but If I was an eagle, I’d hold out for that Conan sequel. Or some nature doc about American eagles.

Sailor: Makes sense.

Sailor: Anything else or is it time for casting?

Kane: Shit. I haven’t thought of anyone.

Kane: Winston Duke in the Amos role?

Sailor: A bit on the nose. He did just do a fantasy film.

Sailor: Joel Kinnaman as the Beastmaster?

Kane: He’s a bit too old, don’t you think?

Sailor: I was honestly picturing Luke Evans but he’s waaaaaaay too old.

Sailor: Alex Pettyfer?

Kane: Who?

Sailor: Magic Mike and In Time.

Kane: Oh yeah. Never saw either.

Sailor: Alan Ritchson for Beastmaster and Aldis Hodge for the Amos role.

Kane: I know Ritchson, don’t know Hodge.

Sailor: And Michael Wincott for the evil wizard.

Kane: Top Dollar?

Sailor: Yes.

Kane: Yeah, I’m down with that.

Sailor: Now let’s just turn the boy into a girl and cast Millie Bobbie Brown.

Kane: Ugh.

Sailor: Not a fan, I take it?

Kane: I’m just tired of seeing those Stranger Things kids in everything.

Sailor: She’s been in literally two things.

Kane: Two too many.

Sailor: My goodness.

Sailor: I actually had an idea. How about instead of trying to cast this film, we cast a better film?

Kane: Next time pick a better film then.

Sailor: No, I mean instead of trying to cast a film that’s cheesy like this, we go after a great cast and a great director. Make it contemporary and make it weird.

Sailor: Like get Mads Mikkelsen as the Beastmaster.

Kane: And Panos Cosmatos to direct.

Sailor: Now we’re cooking.

Sailor: The evil wizard?

Kane: Tilda Swinton?

Sailor: I like it.

Sailor: Elba or Ali for the Amos role?

Kane: You mean I have to pick between the only two black actors in Hollywood?

Sailor: Yes.

Kane: Elba.

Sailor: That is correct.

Sailor: Now let’s just turn the boy into a girl and cast Millie Bobbie Brown.

Kane: God damn it.


The Cast


Director: Panos Cosmatos (Mandy)

Dar: Mads Mikkelsen (The Hunt, Doctor Strange)

Kiri: Katheryn Winnick (Vikings)

Maax: Tilda Swinton (I am Love, Michael Clayton)

Seth: Idris Elba (The Wire, The Office)

Tal: Sophia Lillis (It, It Chapter Two)


Final Thoughts


Kane: Tanya Roberts definitely turned me into a man. I can’t judge this objectively.

Sailor: If you’re a fan of these types of films, there’s a lot to like about the Beastmaster. There are some fun effects, some cool monsters, and boobs. The downside is that it’s super long and uneventful.


Impact Rating


Kane: B-

Sailor: D+


After Impact


Are you a fan of movies in which people talk to animals?

Like the Rob Schneider film?

No, like Manimal or Aquaman or the Horse Whisperer?

Those are my choices??

Yes.

Then no.

What about Furry Vengeance or Evan Almighty?

Half of these choices don’t involve people talking to animals and the other half is garbage.

What about a horror film about talking animals.

Like picture that bear from Annihilation or some shit.

Now we’re talking.

Would you see that movie?

Yes.

Now, what if that bear was played by Lena Dunham, and in order to see the movie you’d have to have sex with her.

I hate you and I hate your games.


What is your impression of The Beastmaster? Did you like it and who would you cast in a remake? Comment down below and let us know.

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