From the cinephiliac minds of Sailor Monsoon and Vincent Kane comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, break it down and analyze it and then haphazardly try to attribute points and awards to individual scenes and/or actors. Through our convoluted thought process, neither one of us truly understands, we will definitively determine whether or not certain sacred cows are worthy of praise and alternatively if childhood favorites hold up or are better left in the past. The goal is to get you to rewatch old films you love, check out great stuff you haven’t and skip the overrated classics you’ve heard about but never got around to. This is a celebration of the stuff we love and a takedown of the shit we don’t. This is Double Impact!
Seven months after the events that occurred in House of 1000 Corpses, The Firefly Family goes on the run when local law enforcement raids their compound led by Texas Sheriff John Quincey Wydell. Otis, Baby, and Captain Spaulding wreak havoc across the Texas desert as Wydell seeks vengeance for the murder of his brother.
Kane: So after watching House of 1000 Corpses last week on Monsoonvision, I’m hankering to watch The Devil’s Rejects.
Sailor: Hell yeah. I’m in a horror mood anyways.
Kane: Alright showtime!
Sailor: We are about to see boobs.
Kane: Dead ones.
Sailor: So, the best kind?
Kane: Have I mentioned how much I fucking love the fucking movie?
Sailor: Once or twice.
Kane: I don’t think there is one thing I would change in this movie.
Sailor: I can’t think of one.
Kane: So it’s a perfect movie?
Sailor: It’s a perfect grindhouse movie for sure.
Kane: I’ll take it.
Sailor: One thing I wouldn’t mind changing is having Karen Black back as Momma Firefly.
Kane: But Easterbrooke is so good.
Sailor: She is. I’m fine with it but she is a bit over the top. And her teeth are too white.
Kane: I have been a William Forsythe fan since Out for Justice.
Sailor: He has been great since Raising Arizona.
Kane: I think what is most impressive from Corpses to Rejects is Zombie’s complete tone change from his debut film to his second.
Sailor: It’s one of the biggest tonal shifts in movie history and he nailed it.
Kane: Horror movies are why I never stop to help anyone on the side of the street. “Sorry Karen, you are just going to have to keep running from the maniac chasing you.”
Sailor: My old lady won’t even tip a homeless person because of the Firefly clan.
Kane: I feel like someone slapped Zombie around and told him to cut the weird shit out and make this as realistic as possible. Let your actors work!
Sailor: This was all him. The studio really wanted a sequel because the first made a shit ton on home video but they had no say in the budget. And this was made for considerably less than the first.
Kane: The great Michael Berryman.
Sailor: What I don’t get, is what happened to Zombie? I truly don’t get it. He was on such a role early in his career and legit made two well-directed films. But the rest…
Kane: When recasting Baby, we need someone who is trashy hot that can seduce someone as great as Geoffrey Lewis and also be batshit crazy.
Sailor: I was thinking either Rose McGowan or Fairuza Balk?
Kane: Hell no to Rose McGowan. I don’t want that wacko anywhere near my film. And maybe Fairuza Balk 15 years ago.
Sailor: I’m going for crazy and Rose is crazy.
Kane: I said no! What about the crispy nipples girl from Leatherface?
Sailor: I like her but she seems too young.
Kane: Robin McLeavy as Baby?
Sailor: Isn’t she British?
Sailor: Baby doesn’t have no British accent!
Kane: Ffs. You do realize the 73% of all actors in American movies with American accents are British right?
Sailor: What about the chick from Revenge? The movie, not the show.
Kane: You the Italian broad with an Italian accent?
Sailor: What the fuck ever, Kane!
Kane: I’m thinking Katherine Isabelle.
Sailor: I like that. Lock her in.
Kane: I love how chaotic this motel scene is. Can you imagine people breaking into your hotel room like this?
Sailor: Moseley is so damn good in this.
Kane: He deserved an Oscar nom. Discriminatory old assholes.
Sailor: he’s white.
Kane: They discriminate against horror, Sailor!
Sailor: Ah. Brendan Fletcher or Kevin Breznahn as Otis?
Kane: The crazy coke guy from Superbad?
Sailor: Yes and the cheating redneck from Adventureland.
Kane: I don’t see it.
Sailor: Which one because Fletcher was great in Tideland.
Sailor: Crispin Glover it is!
Kane: Jackie Earl Haley. I could see him as a Mansonesque loon.
Sailor: Hmm. Interesting but he is too old. What about Dexter?
Kane: Dexter who?
Sailor: No, the guy who played Dexter.
Kane: Oh, Michael C. Hall. I like it.
Sailor: He is a great actor.
Kane: This kid is so awful.
Sailor: OMG I hate him so much. He is the worst part of this movie. He is terrible.
Kane: Aren’t all kids?
Sailor: True. I mean he is just smiling when he is supposed to be scared of Spaudling!
Kane: And where did he go?
Sailor: Just left his momma on the ground knocked out. Awful son.
Kane: I chuckle every time baby slaps her on the ass. Haha.
Sailor: And I love that Zombie only touches on rape. He does just enough to make your skin crawl but not enough to take you out of the movie.
Kane: Yes. I was thinking the same thing when I first watched this. I was expecting it go further than it did and I was already getting upset.
Sailor: If that scene was any longer, we wouldn’t like them anymore. It would have been unnecessary.
Kane: Did James Gunn steal this soundtrack from Zombie for the Guardians of the Galaxy soundtrack?
Sailor: He sure did. I love this damn soundtrack. It’s one of the best.
Sailor: And Purple Rain.
Kane: Dammit Roy! Get the gun!
Sailor: Kane Hodder choreographed this fight.
Kane: It’s a goodun.
Sailor: I love this line but I like it a bit less once I found out it was a Manson quote.
Kane: It makes sense that Otis would say it though.
Kane: And we go straight to another great scene.
Sailor: Pricila Barnes is a straight-up MILF.
Kane: Oh that knife throw!
Sailor: Oh that CGI knife cringe!
Kane: That’s probably one of the only things in the movie I don’t like. I forget about the CGI knife and blood till I see it.
Sailor: Welcome to 2000s horror.
Kane: CGI is the worst and should be outlawed in horror movies. Save it for your lame superheroes.
Sailor: Ok, I have an idea for Captain Spaulding…
Kane: You’re gonna say Billy Zane, aren’t you?
Sailor: Billy fucking Zane!
Kane: Knew it.
Sailor: Would he not be great?!
Kane: Would he not be 5 years older than Dexter?
Sailor: Goddamn it!
Kane: John Carroll Lynch.
Sailor: That is really on the nose but I do love him. Michael Ironside as Spaulding with Stacy Keach as Charlie the Pimp?
Kane: Locked and Locked.
Sailor: I’m picturing Matt Dillon as Wydell.
Kane: My mind goes to Michael Rooker.
Sailor: Oooo. Both are great.
Kane: Forsythe is so damn good though. I can’t picture anyone else. Honestly, I can picture anyone else in any of these roles.
Sailor: This is one of the best cast movies ever.
Kane: Well Michael Berryman stays.
Kane: “Now y’all ain’t planning on fucking these chickens?” Hahahaha
Sailor: I love how he doesn’t approve of chicken fuckin but is giving step by step advice on the best way to fuck a chicken.
Sailor: That’s how I picture Duke.
Kane: I know this is sacrilege but Trejo is an awful actor.
Sailor: You don’t like Danny Trejo?!
Kane: I like him little bits like From Dusk till Dawn and Desperado. Not much talking or acting. He struggles at both.
Sailor: Damn. And this is some of the best high acting I’ve ever seen. If you told me they were actually high, I’d believe you.
Kane: I love that Wydell just walks in and shoots.
Sailor: It bugs me so much when fuckers monologue.
Kane: Yea I can see Dillon in this scene. Matt Dillon for Sheriff.
Sailor: Lock him in. I love Forsythe in this scene so much.
Sailor: This is the only scene in any movie I have ever seen where the good guy lets the bad guy go and I believe it. Because I would’ve thought I won too.
Kane: It was a nice callback to Corpses.
Sailor: Tiny is a hero.
Kane: The hero we don’t deserve. It’s an amazing flip that Zombie pulled off. You care about the Rejects surviving and not upset when the “good guy” is killed.
Sailor: I think there are two different kinds of people in this world people who view the ending as sad and people who view it as badass and I am not the former. I love them but I was never sad that they died.
Kane: It’s straight-up badass but they deserved to die and stay dead. In my headcanon, they stayed dead.
Sailor: But here’s the thing, if the sequel was as good as this I want to fucking cared that they all lived. But it’s fucking terrible.
Kane: One of the greatest ending ever. Hands down.
Sailor: Agreed. So who is directing this?
Kane: S. Craig Zahler?
Sailor: Damn. Fucking lock it in.
Director: S. Craig Zahler (Bone Tomahawk, Brawl in Cell Block 99)
Otis: Michael C. Hall (Dexter, Cold in July)
Baby: Kathrine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps, American Mary)
Captain Spaulding: Michael Ironside (Starship Troopers, Total Recall)
Charlie: Stacy Keach (American History X, Nebraska)
Momma Firefly: Babara Crampton (Re-Animator, You’re Next)
Clevon: Michael Berryman (The Hills Have Eyes, The Devil’s Rejects)
Kane: This is one of the greatest grindhouse movies of all time and one of the best horror movies of the past 20 years. This is Zombie’s masterpiece and there is nothing to change here. I don’t think he will ever be as good again as he was here. I hope but I just don’t see it happening. One impressive aspect of the film was his ability to give every single character a distinct personality. Not many directors can accomplish that. Mrs. Zombie, Bill Moseley, Sid Haig played their parts to perfection with William Forsythe stealing every scene he was in. A fantastic soundtrack. A damn near perfect horror movie.
Sailor: Riding the line between loving homage and half-assed pastiche, Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses is a cinematic regurgitation of influences. It’s a hyper-stylized love letter to horror written by a deranged stalker who’s been slapped with a court order to stay at least 100 feet away from good filmmaking. It’s loud and messy and unpleasant to look at. It’s exactly the kind of movie a rockstar who writes songs that play at shitty strip clubs would make. Which makes its sequel all the more impressive. If House of 1000 Corpses was Zombie’s riff on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, The Devil’s Rejects is his attempt to one-up the original. Doing away with all the unnecessary elements that bogged down the first film, the sequel is a bare-bones thriller that stars an amazing cast of character actors and has a Tarantino level soundtrack. It’s mean and nasty and unpleasant to look at but unlike the last film, it’s supposed to be. It’s a grindhouse masterpiece that stands toe to toe with the best of the genre.
What is your impression of The Devil’s Rejects? Ever see it? Ever want too?
A staple to the nipple has to hurt, right?
Yea it does.
I’ve been stapled before but not in the nipple.
For like, sexual stuff?
I was in high school when Jackass came out. I did a lot of stupid shit for money.
And a lot of stupid shit for free.
I was tubular.
You were a dipshit.
You never did anything stupid in high school?
Nothing like Jackass. That’s just dumb.
You don’t understand!
Oh, I understand you needed attention.
That’s not it! I was easily influenced!
I have a feeling you looked like this in high school:
…I hate you so much.