From the cinephiliac minds of Sailor Monsoon and Vincent Kane comes a new collaborative review series called Double Impact! For these opinion pieces, we watch a film, break it down and analyze it and then haphazardly try to attribute points and awards to individual scenes and/or actors. Through our convoluted thought process, neither one of us truly understands, we will definitively determine whether or not certain sacred cows are worthy of praise and alternatively if childhood favorites hold up or are better left in the past. The goal is to get you to rewatch old films you love, check out great stuff you haven’t and skip the overrated classics you’ve heard about but never got around to. This is a celebration of the stuff we love and a takedown of the shit we don’t. This is Double Impact!
KANE’S PICK
The Plot
Set in 1938 Los Angeles, California, The Rocketeer tells the story of stunt pilot Cliff Secord who stumbles upon a hidden rocket-powered jet pack that he thereafter uses to fly without the need of an aircraft. His heroic deeds soon attract the attention of Howard Hughes and the FBI, who are hunting for the missing jet pack, as well as the Nazi operatives that stole it from Hughes.
The Discussion
Kane: Alright, we are watching a Disney movie for Double Impact this week. You about ready there, booger lips?
Sailor: Yeah
Kane: Let’s go!
Kane: This is the same guy who directed First Avenger? Nice
Sailor: Yes and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. And the lead is Bruce Campbell’s cousin
Kane: He’s also the dick that beat up Jennifer Lopez.
Sailor: That’s like literally the only other thing I know him from
Kane: I have never seen this before.
Sailor: Really? It used to be a childhood favorite. But between Batman and X-Men, times were tough for superhero fans.
Kane: Marla Hooch’s dad!
Sailor: It was such a rough time for superhero movies.
Kane: Yea, there was some loser playing The Phantom.
Sailor: He’s so good in that movie.
Kane: I never saw that either.
Sailor: It ain’t good but it’s almost kinda entertaining.
Kane: I think I just skipped all those shitty looking superhero movies around that time. Wasn’t there one with Alec Baldwin?
Sailor: The Shadow.
Kane: And Avengers?
Sailor: The one with Uma Thurman?
Kane: I guess?
Sailor: It’s a spy movie. Not a superhero movie. It’s also one of the worst films I’ve ever seen.
Sailor: Disney apparently really wanted Hanks as the lead in this.
Kane: I can’t see it
Kane: Good old Jon Polito.
Sailor: I fucking love him.
Kane: He always seems like he would smell of sweat and pastrami.
Sailor: Alan Arkin could give less of a fuck about this movie. Which is amazing!
Kane: Was this movie well received back in the day?
Sailor: I think it was a flop
Kane: It’s got a ton of names in it.
Sailor: And shut yer lips! Dalton’s on-screen! (zip)
Kane: I don’t like the fencing sword stuff. Except for in The Princess Bride.
Sailor: He’s based on Errol Flynn.
Kane: As in In Like Flynn?
Sailor: No, Kane. Not that at all.
Kane: Oh, Ms. Connelly. (zip)
Sailor: Remember when she was the hottest actress alive?
Kane: Yes. I remember well in Inventing the Abbots. I liked her a little more thick like this too.
Sailor: She’s based on Betty Page
Kane: As in scandalous pics Bettie Page?
Sailor: Yes. I wonder if this zeppelin will come back into the plot?
Kane: Don’t all Zeppelins?
Sailor: I wish.
Kane: What was that face?
Sailor: That face is based on a real person too.
Kane: That dog has some big balls.
Sailor: Rondo Hatton.
Kane: I thought he looked familiar. House of Horrors?
Sailor: Yea, he was in a lot of older horror movies.
Sailor: And Cliff being a salty bitch about her movie career is my least favorite thing about this movie.
Sailor: I fucking love Dalton.
Kane: Connelly has had a solid but quiet career, right?
Sailor: She’s never stopped working.
Kane: But she is never really talked about either. Except for the ass to ass scene.
Sailor: Correct.
Kane: 40 minutes into the movie, I think something is finally about to happen.
Sailor: Action movies have evolved and I absolutely fucking adore the Rocketeer’s costume. Like the top five favorite costumes.
Kane: The helmet isn’t bad except for that tail. Jacket is cool.
Sailor: Look! Action!
Kane: It’s gots jokes too! Why didn’t that blanket catch on fire?
Sailor: Remember a time when superhero movies were like this?
Kane: Goofy and innocent? In a good way.
Sailor: Yes and low stakes
Kane: Yes. Rocketeer ain’t saving the multiverse
Sailor: The stakes get slightly higher but it’s still not aliens and a giant portal in the sky.
Kane: Shooting up an entire house? Seems like an overreaction.
Sailor: That’s the FBI for ya.
Kane: We take no prisoners or bitches.
Kane: Hot damn. She fine. What was the last big or good movie that was set in this time period?
Sailor: I don’t know why Disney never made another one of these while Chris Evans was Captain America. You could easily retcon this character to have teamed up with him during WW2.
Kane: Cap on the ground with him in the air set in the 40s? I’d watch it.
Sailor: Captain America has a part around the middle, where it’s a montage of different bases he’s taken down. You could easily throw The Rocketeer AND Wolverine in there without it fucking anything up.
Kane: Hell you could still do that when he took back that last stone. Something small scale
Sailor: That’s very true
Kane: There are so many “that guys” in this film.
Sailor: It’s certainly got a cast. Pesci turned down the role of the mob boss
Kane: Can’t go wrong with Paul Sorvino either.
Sailor: I’m actually glad he did. I kinda like Sorvino more for this
Kane: I don’t buy Pesci as a mob boss. He is great in The Irishman but he was always a number two to me.
Kane: Gum?
Sailor: And yes! A callback!
Kane: A callback? To implausibility?
Sailor: That’s that good pre-WW2 gum. You could put a man together with two packs of Wrigley’s
Kane: Why don’t people ever use their shoe to break a window?
Sailor: Because punching is cool. That’s why I fucking love The Nice Guys. It’s the first movie to show what would actually happen if you did that.
Sailor: Have I mentioned how much I love Dalton?
Kane: Them things gots me mesmerized. I ain’t paying attention to Dalton.
Sailor: I don’t know how. His stache is beyond on point.
Kane: But dem jugglies.
Sailor: Touche. Uh oh. The stakes, they just got raised
Kane: Not Nazis!
Sailor: The worst! Damn that little girl is ugly
Kane: Had to be an important person’s daughter.
Sailor: It has to be. Cuz damn, she ain’t got no alibi.
Sailor: That shit makes me laugh so hard.
Kane: The nazi cartoon?
Sailor: No. That guy who blew up.
Kane: Oh. It reminded of Iron Man 2.
Sailor: Iron Man 2 didn’t have no fake dummies catching fire.
Kane: The damn senate hearing where it kept showing all the failures to replicate the iron man tech.
Sailor: I know whatchu talking about
Kane: Then shut it and agree. Marvel stole from this. Or was at least inspired by it!
Sailor: Sorvino IS a hero!
Kane: All mob bosses are
Sailor: This used to be a huge third act set piece. Now, it’s adorably quaint
Kane: Gotta make sure we know they Nazi
Sailor: Branding
Kane: Oh you dun fucked up now. That escalated.
Sailor: Never fuck with Dalton. Why have glass on a zeppelin anyways??
Kane: Remove the gum. Boom. I was expecting a more crazy rescue. I actually enjoyed this movie.
Sailor: I’m actually surprised. Not a lot happens but the characters are fun
Kane: Why didn’t Campbell have a bigger career? He’s handsome and not awful.
Sailor: I honestly don’t know. I think it was luck and timing
Kane: This flopping probably didn’t help
Sailor: That’s true
Kane: Alright who we recasting for the remake? Is dalton too old to still play this part?
Sailor: He’s in his mid 60s. He couldn’t play no Errol Flynn
Kane: Out Like Flynn
Sailor: Dammit. You got me. That made me laugh
Kane: A callback
Sailor: To implausibility!
Kane: And beyond!
Sailor: I have Tom Hiddleston for the villain Dalton role.
Kane: Yes. He would work.
Sailor: Who is Rocketeer?
Kane: Campbell reminds me of Jared Palecki. Or vice versa. They could be related.
Sailor: Supernatural or kid from Jerry Maguire?
Kane: Supernatural? I don’t know if that’s his name or not.
Sailor: It’s close enough but he’s like fucking 40 something! And yes they could.
Kane: Why can’t this fool be 40?
Sailor: I don’t wanna see no 40 something year old shacking up with Pugh.
Kane:…
Sailor: “I don’t want no 40 something shacking up with Pugh” The actor I had in mind is actually 2 years older than Padalecki
Kane: Haha. What a loser.
Sailor: I think Zachary Levi can do it.
Kane: But he is Shazam!
Sailor: Every actor is a superhero now. Every fucking actor I picked has been in a superhero film.
Kane: Not Jared Padawaockly
Sailor: He’s Magnum P.I.!
Kane: Ain’t no way he can pull of the stache.
Sailor: Dan Stevens?
Kane: There you go. I could see him in the part.
Sailor: My original pick for Connelly was Daddario.
Kane: Ugh
Sailor: But she’s hot tho.
Kane: She is hot. That’s about it.
Sailor: I think she might have talent but I don’t know yet
Kane: She doesn’t and I don’t see her as a 40s dame.
Sailor: She was the first to pop in my head.
Kane: Stevens is 38. So someone around 30s.
Sailor: She’s 33 or 30.
Kane: It ain’t her. Alice Eve?
Sailor: Amanda Seyfried?
Kane: Emilia Clark?
Sailor: I just thought about her.
Kane: She has that look.
Sailor: Yea she does. She’s JUST talented enough for it to work. Most actresses will feel wasted in the role
Sailor: Yes. We need Peevy and Howard Hughes. I was thinking Clooney for Hughes
Kane: That would work
Sailor: I don’t want someone overtly comedic for Peevy. I want someone who CAN do comedy but isn’t known for it
Kane: Mark Hamill? Nevermind. He would be too much of a wuss hiding out on some abandoned hay bail somewhere. Moping.
Sailor: Would Peevy be black?
Kane: I would be fine with it but in the 40s? Were black people allowed to fly planes back then?
Sailor: Eddie Murphy!
Kane: This was around the time of the Tuskegee Airmen.
Sailor: Yea. So?
Kane: Then no
Sailor: Why the fuck not?!
Kane: Because they weren’t allowed to fly back then let alone be a prominent pilot!
Sailor: Fine! I’ll save Murphy for something better
Kane: Yes
Sailor: Oh and we also need a gangster.
Kane: There ain’t no good gangster actors anymore.
Sailor: Bernthal was honestly my first pick. I feel like he’s my first pick for everything.
Kane: Cuz youse in love wit him
Sailor: Hush you!
Kane: Ray Liotta
Sailor: He’s perfect. I’m mad I didn’t think about him. Now we need Peevy.
Kane: Stanley Tucci?
Sailor: He did that in Captain America.
Kane: True
Sailor: Greg Kinnear?
Kane: Gary Cole?
Sailor: Oooo. I like that!
Kane: “This is egregious!”
Sailor: Yea. That’s a good pick.
Kane: He and Stevens could be father and son.
Sailor: That’s the cast
Kane: Boom.
Kane: Oh yea, who is directing this bad boy?
Sailor: Brad Bird
Kane: Son of a bitch. I’m in.
The Cast
Director: Brad Bird (The Incredibles, Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol)
Cliff/The Rocketeer: Dan Stevens (The Guest, Legion)
Jenny: Emilia Clarke (Games of Thrones, Solo)
Peevy: Gary Cole (Talladega Nights, Office Space)
Neville Sinclair: Tom Hiddleston (Thor, Kong: Skull Island)
Eddie Valentine: Ray Liotta (Goodfellas, Marriage Story)
Howard Hughes: George Clooney (Michale Clayton, Ocean’s 11)
Final Thoughts
Sailor: It’s a fun adventure film with likable characters with just enough action to keep you entertained. But now that Marvel has perfected this shit, this entire movie kinda feels like the 1st act of a much bigger movie
Kane: It really does. Next thing you know aliens are behind the Nazi’s as puppet masters from another galaxy with Hugo Weaving as their liaison.
Sailor: Not even that big. Like Cliff barely does anything. I don’t even think he shoots a gun.
Kane: He held a gun
Sailor: He did. But bullets ain’t never come out the damn thing. Which is fine, but it does feel quaint
Kane: He was saving that for after the end credits. If you know what I mean.
Sailor: He’s never gonna fuck that poor woman
Kane: Oh, he banged Jenny proper.
Sailor: You know what I’d like more? A TV show. I think this has all of the ingredients for a fun adventure show
Kane: I could see that.Take on local gangsters, then the government, then the Nazi’s.
Sailor: First season: pre WW2. Second season: during WW2. The third season: he’s retired and maybe has to come back for one last adventure. Fourth season: his kid takes up the mantle.
Kane: Fourth season set in the 80s. To fight mother Russia.
Sailor: It would be his grandson if it was the 80s
Kane: I don’t think you understand how math works.
Kane: No. If he had a kid in the 50s.The kid would be 30 in the 80s
Sailor: He’d be old in the 50s. Connelly would have already have popped out like 5 kids by then!
Kane: Even if it’s post WW2, the kid would be late 30s. 40 tops. The same damn age as The Rocketeer!
Sailor: Fair enough
Kane: And he fights a demogorgon!
Sailor: What the fuck even is this?!
Impact Rating
Sailor: B
Kane: B-
What is your impression of The Rocketeer? Who do you think would be great for a remake?
After Impact
What if…A madman strapped a bomb to The Rocketeer’s rocket where if he goes under 500mphs it explodes?
Is this a legit pitch
And you’re the Rocketeer
Well here’s my pitch: What if a gorilla punched you in the dick
At least it wouldn’t be like a bear kicking you in the vagina.
Didn’t like that pitch? How about you get your toes sucked off of your body by Dunham and Schumer
So is that after they punch me in the dick and kick you in the vagina?
Yes. They gotta get me outta the way to get to your delicious feet meat
I’d rather be strapped to the rocket.
You don’t get a choice
There’s always a choice
I hate that a damn rat is the true savior in Endgame. Sorry. Off subject.
Death ain’t an option when the Dunham demon is unleashed
Oh and add this to the article! And they’re sequel pitch is kinda fun
I don’t understand why you people like those guys.
Love em
Bored out my mind watching them
I’m not comfortable admitting how many times I’ve rewatched their videos
I don’t get it
I dig em!
Ok but it’s going at the bottom.
