I usually start my reviews with a little context. Maybe the history of the genre or a funny anecdote, but there will be no preamble this time. It’s Lady Terminator time, motherfucker.
The film starts with a woman having aggressive sex with a man and right when you’re about to take your pants off he explodes into a geyser of blood.
She claims “No man can satisfy me!” And the next sexual victim is brought in and apparently he’s got the goods because the eel that lives in her vagina crawls out. He grabs it, turns it into a dagger, and tells her to stop the killings.
She ain’t having his bullshit and curses his entire lineage and disappears.
The opening credits roll and there’s a credit for an actor named Adam Stardust and I’m already fucking sold.
We are then introduced to the main character who —as the movie won’t stop reminding us— is an anthropologist and needs a book for her thesis. Her thesis is about The South Sea Queen (the witch from the beginning) and the book tells her to go to the sea.
The cursed sea.
The captain of the boat she is on refuses to go any further and you realize why he took her this close to begin with. You knew her ass wanted to find some sea witches. He eventually relents and while she is diving he is immediately killed by the curse.
The main character doesn’t fair much better. She’s teleported to what looks like a porn set or the bedroom of an 80s Hair Metal video. An eel crawls inside her vagina while her limbs are bound. At this point I should point out that this is not a Japanese film.
Cut to night and she’s walking into the beach naked and it’s full terminator mode. There’s two punks and you know she’s going to kill them and take their clothes but she has sex with them first. At no point in this film do they explain the eel in the vagina or why she constantly needs to feed it dick.
Imagine the beginning of the original Terminator and Schwarzenegger raping Bill Paxton to death and the movie never explaining it. That’s how jarring it is.
Eventually we’re introduced to Detective White Face (the Michael Biehn of this film) and the Linda Hamilton of the flick, a singer and part time actress. I don’t know why the movie needs to point out that she had a couple of acting credits, but whatever.
She’s at the mall with her friend and she’s buying a necklace that not only does Not-Linda Hamilton have, but Lady Terminator has as well. Me Thinks it will be crucial to the plot.
Not-Hamilton has to leave and immediately after her friend goes to the bathroom, Lady Terminator guns her the fuck down. Like violently. As well as some other random chick in the bathroom. She really wants that necklace. Or I guess the friend doesn’t have a dick she can feed to her vagina eel. The plot is unclear.
Remember that librarian I forgot to mention from the beginning that gave Lady Terminator that book before she was turned into Lady Terminator by magic eel rape? Well he’s back and it seems like he can sense shit is happening. He’s sitting on the edge of a cliff above the Sea and he’s holding a dagger and he says “It’s Happening.” So he’s probably going to factor into the plot. Or maybe not. Who the fuck knows.
Detective White Face is in the morgue investigating the corpses of the punks and another detective says, “It says here all of these guys cocks were bitten off. The report says an eel did it.”
How the fuck would you know it was an eel bite? Has the town had problems with cock eating eels in the past? A third detective mentions how he can’t believe someone could do something like that and he brings it right back to the eels. I want to know how or why this detective knows so much about cock eating eels.
Then the movie turns into Terminator again and the nightclub scene is here almost shot-for-shot.
It’s as if the director got high on purple sizzurp and remade The Terminator to the best of his recollection. It’s actually pretty faithful to the source material but with vaginal eels for some reason.
The entire middle half of this film is Terminator:
- The nightclub shootout
- The car chase
- The police station shootout
It’s all here. You have to wonder why James Cameron never sued, so I figure he must be a fan of irony.
After the nightclub shoot out, but before the police station shoot out, the mystical librarian shows up and gives Not-Hamilton some exposition and a dagger to kill Lady Terminator.
He then has a showdown with Lady Terminator and by showdown I mean he stands there and she shoots him 100 times and he dies. Pretty anticlimactic.
After the police station shoot out, Detective White Face and Not-Hamilton escape into the woods to avoid Lady Terminator. They have a heart to heart and he tells her about the time his ex-wife was gang raped and murdered. I think she tries to one up his story by mentioning her friend was murdered. I don’t think she won that one.
But they bone anyways.
Lady Terminator is back at her hotel fixing her wounds and since the first film had a scene involving the villain removing his eye, by god, Lady Terminator will have the exact same scene… for no reason.
And two minutes later room service comes in and there’s another eel dick massacre.
Meanwhile, White Face and Not-Hamilton are hanging at the mall for some reason and that’s where Lady Terminator finds them. However, either they were hanging out at the mall all day or decided to bone in the woods all night because suddenly it’s night time again.
A car chase ensues and the final action set piece culminates at an airstrip. A helicopter shows up as well as White Face’s friends: the low rent A-Team.
They pump her full of thousands of bullets and even blow her ass up twice but the bitch keeps ticking. The last explosion fucks her up though and reveals her true face.
Lady Terminator precedes to laser blast everyone. She blows up the helicopter, she blows up vehicles, She … I kinda tuned out after that, but I’m assuming Not-Hamilton stabs her with the dagger. Who knows.